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Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.