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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.