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I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.