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I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.