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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
sleep is for people without netflix
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!