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More food should come with prizes inside it.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
When in doubt, take a nap.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom