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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.