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“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.