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Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
I fake my lol`s