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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.