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Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!