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*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Tieam... problem solved
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”