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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.