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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Some of my best memories are naps.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.