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The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.