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Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?