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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill