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Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.