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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Iām sad when my food is over.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook