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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!