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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!