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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.