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I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.