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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.