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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.