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As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.