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My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!