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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.