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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.