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At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers