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Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.