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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.