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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Save water- shower with me!
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.