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There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.