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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.