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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.