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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.