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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
I just ran a .003048K