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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.