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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.