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One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
Iām just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"