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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.