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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.