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The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.