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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day