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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?