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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
"Love your friends, Not their sisters." & "Love your sisters, Not their friends." -By Mummy...