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Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!