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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!