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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.