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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Does running out of money count as exercise?
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...