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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.