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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.