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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.