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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.