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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.