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Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?