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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.