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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?