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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.