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I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.