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Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.