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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.