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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends