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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.