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How does one get a nice body without moving?
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?