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Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??