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My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.