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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.