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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
I’m bored enough to clean.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.