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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.