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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.