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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.