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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
why we do not have a romance class...............
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...