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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.