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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.