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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Multitasking? Iām not even good at unitasking.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
Iām positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.