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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
“I saw that.” -Karma
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.