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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
At least a stalker is there for you.