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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...