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I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
I’m in no shape to exercise.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.