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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.