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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.