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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?