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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...