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Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.